I share a lot of bread, cookies, recipes, and whatever the I’m experimenting with in my kitchen. I make jokes. I swear. I get excited about followers and a loaf of bread turning out exactly how I wanted it to, but there’s a whole person standing behind that phone , and lately she’s having a hard fucking time. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom. It is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I love my kid. I love being her mom. I can be making pretend sourdough with Bee in her play kitchen and know that’s a moment I’ll want back someday. I can also be exhausted, touched out, and desperate for a conversation that doesn’t include answering “why” forty-seven times. Both things can be true.
I had interests and goals before I became Mom. I still have them, sometimes I just have a hard time finding myself somewhere between what everybody needs. That’s part of why Wake & Baking means so much to me. I’m trying to build something from the ground up. Something I enjoy. Something I can be proud of. Something that might let me bring in money while still being home with my kid. I want her to see me try, fuck things up, learn, and keep going, and I really do love it. I get excited about a new recipe. I love when somebody makes something I shared and tells me how it turned out. When someone buys something I baked, that means something to me. So does someone hitting that follow button. You might see a number. I’m standing in my kitchen thinking, “Holy shit. People actually want to see what I’m doing.”, but I’m also realizing I can have all of that excitement and still feel really fucking lonely.
I don’t have a group of girlfriends I get together with. I don’t have coworkers to talk to throughout the day. A lot of my life happens right here in this house, and lately, even when I’m not physically alone, I feel alone..that’s the part I don’t know how to talk about. How do you explain missing someone who’s sitting right there? Missing the conversations, the affection, the feeling that they want to spend time with you? We used to be able to do anything and everything together. Lately I feel like I don’t know how to reach him, and I don’t understand what changed.
I know life changes. We have responsibilities. We get tired. I’m tired too, but I miss us. I miss feeling like we could talk about anything. I miss feeling wanted without having to ask for it, and when I try to explain that and get told I’m crazy, I don’t suddenly stop feeling it. I just feel embarrassed for saying it out loud, then I’m sitting there with the same hurt, wondering how I’m supposed to bring it up again. I worry that what I do doesn’t count because it doesn’t come with a paycheck. I worry about where I fit beyond being needed. I don’t know what he’s thinking, and that’s part of what hurts. I’m left guessing when what I want is a conversation. I’m proud of what I’m building. I’m proud of being a mom. But I also want to feel loved and appreciated in the life I’m already living, while I’m still figuring everything else out.
I don’t have a recipe to wrap this up with. I don’t have some inspirational ending about how tomorrow will end. I’ll wake up and have it all figured out. Today I’m sad. I miss my person. I miss having friends, and I’m tired of trying to find the right words to explain that I need some connection too. So there it is. The person behind the bread. Follow here if you wish.
Take care ✌🏼
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