I’ve had a day, I think it’s more I’ve had a lot of days that decided to show up all at once today. I got rejected for another job. I lost two followers. I posted a reel I thought was cute of me packaging up a snickerdoodle order in my cute little packaging and it currently has a cute whopping eight views.
Garth, is thriving, of course he is. That asshole gets fed regularly, and has more growth than I do right now. I keep baking, filming, editing, posting, applying for jobs, trying to figure out how to turn something I love doing into something that might bring in some money. I want Wake and Baking to work and I want to get my bread and cookies in front of people. I’ve tried getting into farmers markets and haven’t had any luck. I keep thinking about taking samples to local businesses, because I know once people actually eat my shit, I’ll have a chance. Humble brag…yes but I’m picky and if I’ll eat my food, and my daughter will eat my food and say, “mmmmmmmmm” I know I’m doing it right.
Then there’s the stupid little stuff i need to do that. Labels, something with my information on it, packaging, ingredients…,All the things that cost money before i’m actually making money. It’s a really frustrating place to be.
This isn’t even completely about baking. Yesterday I met a really cool woman at the park. Her daughter and Karsyn were best friends within two minutes, because toddlers can establish an entire relationship over a rock in the amount of time it takes grown women to decide whether saying “we should hang out sometime” sounds normal or really fucking desperate. I had more adult interaction than I think I’ve had in a year and I loved it, but I was scared shitless. I had a really shitty experience trying to put myself out there and make a friend before, and that fucked with me more than I realized. Yesterday this woman and I talked the whole time. We walked to our cars together. We both kept saying how great it was meeting each other..,it genuinely felt like maybe she was standing there thinking the same thing I was. How do adults make new friends? She told me she loves sourdough but making it herself is too hard. HELLO, LINDSAY. THERE WAS YOUR FUCKING OPENING.
“I make sourdough. Here’s my information.” forget the bread. I could’ve just said, “Our girls had fun. Want to exchange numbers and meet here again? Instead, I backed away and I’ve thought about it ever since. Anxiety is real and being a loner talking to a toddler saying “let’s not do that” over and over again is the voice in my head now. This is also why I’m convinced I need to start driving around with loaves of sourdough and my information in my trunk like some kind of bread dealer.
Today it hit me that I’m kind of doing the same thing everywhere. I want people to read what I write, but I have to put it out there first. I want people to follow Wake and Baking, and then two people unfollow and those two assholes are louder in my head than everybody who stayed. I want people to buy my bread, but first I have to walk into places and basically say, “Hi, please eat this thing I made and give me money next time.” I want a job, and every application means handing somebody another opportunity to tell me no. I want new friendships, but that requires being cool enough in my shell to say, “Hey, I like you. Can I have your number?” like I’m in seventh grade. That’s a whole lot of asking the world to pick me and today, I think I’m just tired of asking.
Then my blogging bestie showed up in my comments. She’s been reading my blog for a long time. She checks on me when I disappear. She asks about Garth. She remembers the shit I write about. Today she basically reminded me that I don’t have to be here every day. Write about Garth and the baking. Write about everything else going on. Come back and laugh with everybody, I needed that between algorithms and reels and followers and monetization and trying to figure out whether eight fucking people watching me package snickerdoodles means I should throw my phone into traffic.
Enough sob story for now I just needed my random word vomit on the keyboard to clear my head so I can go to Costco, get Garth more flour since his fat ass just sits on the counter and blows bubbles, and bake something pumpkin flavored to fatten up my family. Thanks for stopping by, I think after Costco, I’ve earned a little time to wine-d down.
Leave a comment