Whining, Wine-ing & Winning

If your pet could talk, what would be the first thing it says?

Rumple would say, “Feed me.” Barley would say “fuck” or call Rumple a bitch, because she has the inner trash mouth she can’t say out loud. Barley would say all the things I’d like to say out loud but can’t because I have an almost 3-year-old with no filter who will repeat that shit at the worst time.

Rumple thinks we starve him, even though he eats three times a day. They both do. If you have food, Rumple assumes he’s either getting some or it belongs to him. He checks the trash every 30 minutes just in case something new magically appeared since his last inspection.

Barley mostly keeps to herself and judges him. She’d make fun of him in his thunder shirt. She’d roll her eyes at everyone. She’d probably spend half the day muttering “ idiot” under her breath while Rumple patrols the kitchen looking for a sandwich nobody dropped.

Rumple would talk slow. I’m sure of it. He’d ask for food, ask to play fetch, then demand an explanation for why he isn’t the only dog allowed to exist on this planet. According to Rumple, any dog that walks past his house and can be seen through his window has declared war.

Barley would watch the whole thing from across the room and say: “See? This is why I call him a little bitch.”