Whining, Wine-ing & Winning

What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

Places in the world I don’t want to visit…like ever? How about I tell all you moms and dads the places you wouldn’t want to visit, and why. Seems like a better response anyway.

1. Bedtime

Trust me, no one wants to visit bedtime in my house. No matter what time we start, how we prepare, or how we wrap it up…it always ends the same shit show.

My daughter gets a second wind out of nowhere. Suddenly she has to potty, she’s starving, she needs chapstick, she needs her babies (baby cows), she wants water, she needs to stretch. Basically, she discovers every need she has ever had the second her head gets near a pillow.

Meanwhile, my husband and I are barely alive, trying to keep our eyes open while she’s bouncing off the bed, sprinting downstairs, and doing laps through the kitchen and dining room. It’s a mess. It’s a nightmare, and somehow…we do it again every night. Just when she finally falls asleep, she turns into a full-contact sleeping acrobat, takes over the middle of the bed, and refuses to sleep in her own.

2. Wherever Missing Shit Goes

You know exactly where I’m talking about. That hat that vanished. The socks with no matches. The sandwich you made that your child definitely didn’t eat…yet also isn’t anywhere. The missing fruit snacks. The lens to your child’s glasses. That one shoe they were obsessed with…until you finally found it again and now it no longer fits. Sippy cups? Everywhere and also nowhere. And that glass of wine you poured yourself 15 minutes ago. Actually that one isn’t as big of a mystery, it just disappeared faster than you’d like to admit.

3. My Husband’s Brain

This one’s…special. How is it possible to not find something that has literally never moved? How does “I can’t find it” always translate to “you need to find it for me”? Why I seem to “do it better.” I could keep going, but honestly, I’m pretty sure his brain is just missing items, unfinished thoughts, and at least six unmatched socks, and somehow he has his shit way more together than I do.

So no…my answer isn’t a place on a map. It’s a land where nothing makes sense. A place somewhere between bedtime, lost items, and confusion. Think Alice in Wonderland, but less of whatever it is and more “what the actual fuck is happening.”

I hope none of you ever have to travel there. There’s no map, no exit, and you will absolutely leave missing something.