The Berniece Chronicles – Episode 3
“Have a karaoke night,” they said.
“OK!! Let’s have it at home”
They had quite the sing-off, but none of them got a chair turn.
Adam’s loss.
It was quite the battle between Wallflowers, OAR, Selena, Taylor Swift, and the random button.
Honestly, I think this family deserves their own reality show…
Oh wait.
They have one.
After singing their hearts out, the family tucked themselves into bed and drifted off to sleep.
Little did they know, they live in Northeast Kansas, where anything can happen.
Sirens.
Again.
This time not just for a severe thunderstorm, but for a TORNADO.
And it’s still winter for a few more weeks, which means they have no idea what kind of nonsense spring and summer have waiting for them.
Surprisingly, Rumple remained suspiciously calm through all of this.
While everyone was trying to get their four-legged friends tucked safely away, Rumple acted like the whole thing might be a trick.
And honestly, fair.
When they first moved into their new house, he got locked in the basement while the movers wandered through his new territory upstairs.
It was unfair.
It was traumatizing.
And he has clearly chosen to never fully heal from it.
Bee, on the other hand, remained calm and seemed mostly excited to explore her new room she never knew existed.
Unlike Rumple, she had never had the pleasure of being locked in a room with so many things to get into.
So naturally, she was thriving.
Brutus gathered his family quickly, also remaining calm, but not before bringing down a few glasses of wine for himself and Berniece.
Because preparation is key.
Then we had Berniece.
Complete shit show.
Freaking out. Frantic. Acting like this was something she had never experienced before, even though she had just experienced the same thing the night before.
Berniece had seen The Wizard of Oz and was not prepared to clean up the mess after a house landed on her sister.
Brutus, in a loving way, told her to calm the fuck down, drink the wine, and remember that the tornado was most likely in a different part of town and not at the neighbor’s house.
Which, if it did take out that house, they probably wouldn’t be that mad about.
Those neighbors sucked.
The storm passed, the sirens stopped, and it was time to go back to bed.
Sort of.
Bee was wide awake again, ready for Round 2.
Berniece kept checking her weather app for comfort, paced around the house, texted everyone she knew to make sure they were safe, and decided she wasn’t ready for bed either.
Poor Brutus stayed in bed while the girls went back downstairs to start their own little afterparty.
Morning came, and unfortunately, it was time to be adults again.
But first, Berniece had to attempt the impossible.
Getting Bee ready to leave the house.
While Berniece attempted to get Bee dressed, brush her hair, and find her glasses, she ran downstairs to let the dogs out and do a quick “doggie don’t destroy the house while we’re gone” inspection.
Rumple supervised.
Barley pretended she had never heard of house rules before in her life.
Meanwhile, outside, Brutus honked the horn to let them know it was time to go.
Berniece ran back upstairs to grab Bee…
Only to discover that the cute hair she had just fixed was no longer cute.
Bee was now shirtless, missing a shoe, and clenching on to Elmo.
Horn honk.
Again.
Brutus, at this point, would be wise to remember who he’s dealing with today:
His slightly sleep-deprived, tornado-surviving, perimenopausal wife.
And just like a box of chocolates…
He has absolutely no idea what version of Berniece he’s about to get.
Best to honk carefully.
Berniece loved the weekends because she didn’t need to cook.
She just had to tame a wild child, which is Bee’s favorite way to torment her mother.
Brutus went to the store first, then came home to pick up his girls for the Costco run.
He hated taking Berniece to Costco because she has no limits.
He just wanted to go for Ziplock bags, sponges, and a pork butt for his burnt ends.
That’s it.
Simple.
Efficient.
Reasonable.
WRONG.
FILL UP THE CART is what Berniece loves to do.
Because that’s what Costco does to a person.
It’s like TJ Maxx, but bigger.
With bigger things.
So naturally, they left with coconut water, a new Bluey toy for Bee, and a kayak.
Because everyone needs a kayak in Kansas.
Just in case the next weather alert is a flood.
It’s all about preparation.
But hey, Brutus…
Just remember next time you go to Costco with your wife:
You Bern, and you learn.
More from The Berniece Chronicles
📺 The Berniece Chronicles
⬅️ Previous Episode: Berniece and the 2 a.m. Weather Alert
Whining, Wine-ing & Winning 
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